As you know, sexual harassment has become eaten deep into the fabric of our society not even minding the location we come from. This may be in the office, at home and even in the environment you live. But how can you avoid becoming a victim of sexual harassment?
Please take these ways of preventing this to heart.
1. Conduct yourself well with self-confidence
This does not mean being cold or hostile to people around you. It makes real sense to maintain a businesslike demeanor, especially when dealing with the opposite sex at work at school and elsewhere. “To learn a precise line between a pleasant attitude appropriate to their role and the kind of friendliness that could imply sexual openness” - The book Talking Back to Sexual Pressure, by Elizabeth Powell. When others know that you don’t have self confidence in your own self, they tend to use that against you and seduce you a sexual affair with them. Once you have this self confidence, you will be positive in facing any odds you meet in life, including treats from bosses, workmates, classmates and so on.
2. Be modest in your dressing/grooming
As you need know, what you wear sends out a strong message to others. Wearing certain styles of clothing can person as being promiscuous or make a call to others in your community what you don’t expect. Clothing/grooming is a language that if spoken wrongly, it may or will spell doom for the offender. Today; tight, flashy, or revealing clothing can quickly attract the wrong kind of attention. Yes, so many people feel that they have a right to wear whatever they desire. Note how Elizabeth Powell puts it, “if you worked among people who believed stealing money was okay, I’d tell you not to wear your billfold on your hip. . . . You have to recognize the sickness of . . . society’s attitudes and try to protect yourself from being victimized by them.”
Will it be wise for you as a female who live in an environment where rape is prevalent to put on very tight and revealing cloths around your community because you have the right to wear anything? Do you know that rape can be induced by the way you dress and groom yourself? Dress moderately, and you may be less likely to be a target of abusive speech or actions.
3. Watch your associates!
Who do you associate yourself with? As you associate with them, what do you always talk about? This does not mean you have to snub your workmates. If you regularly chat with—or listen to—coworkers who are known for discussing sexual subjects, others amongst your associate might conclude that you would be receptive to sexual advances and so you have opened the do to it. It will be wise if the conversation becomes risqué, to simply excuse yourself.
4. Avoid compromising situations.
Harassers today may want to isolate you so that they have you to themselves. This can be an invitation to a subordinate to share an alcoholic drink or to remain at work after hours for no apparent reason. Beware of such invitations!
Stay sharp!
Imagine, you just wake up one morning and your spouse just inform you that he/she will like to get married. It will be wise that you tell yourself how prepared you are. Estimates are that over one half of marriages in the United States eventually end in either divorce, separation (legal or otherwise) or are “loveless marriages”—couples who doggedly stick it out but are miserable. This is because some do not make themselves ready for marriage.
To be ready for marriage, you need to know the following:
1. Make a self-examination
Some have rushed into marriage without first making an “examination.” But what “examination” should one make? First, you should look—as best you can—into your own heart and mind. What are your goals in life? How will these be affected by marriage? Now is the time to start thinking seriously about them because the responsibilities of marriage may practically preclude certain goals or careers.
Exchanging marriage vows is a serious step. However, this vows should not be taken rashly, perhaps on a sudden impulse, make a solemn promise, or vow, to perform some act and “after vows he is disposed to make examination.” Because of not making an “examination” before making the vow, you may find that more was involved than just hastily had considered.
Examine also why you may want to get married. Are you seeking relief from a bad situation either at home or in school? One young girl confided in her fiancé: “I’ll be so glad when we get married. Then I won’t ever have to make any more decisions!” But rather than lessening your responsibility, marriage greatly increases it.
2. Living Up to marriage responsibility
Consider the 19-year-old bride who wrote: “I’d rather watch TV and sleep than clean house and fix meals. I’m ashamed when my husband’s parents visit because they keep a nice house and mine is always a mess. I’m a lousy cook, too.” Did she appreciate that being a wife meant being a homemaker?
Many youths also fail to ‘examine’ the roles of husband and wife. For instance, Sally, a typical teenage bride, says of her husband: “Now that we are married, the only time he acts interested in me is when he wants sex. He thinks his boyfriends are just as important to be with as I am. . . . I thought I was going to be his one and only, but was I fooled”! Did her husband realize that being a husband meant he would have to stop playing the role of a single person
3. Be Matured
Nowhere is maturity more evident than in how you get along with others—primarily those with whom you live. Learning how to handle disagreement without damaging the other person or your relationship with that one is a valuable lesson to learn. This takes maturity, having insight and knowing “how you ought to give an answer to each one.”
“Marriage really takes commitment,” stated Vicky, who wed when she and her husband were teenagers. “This isn’t a game. The fun of the wedding is over. It soon becomes day-to-day living and that isn’t easy.” Her husband, Mark, added: “I remember that for my first job I had to get up at
To a youth such problems can seem like impassable mountains. However, mature people have a different perspective. Likely, they have already ‘climbed some mountains’ and are emotionally prepared to deal with such problems. So have you truly put away “the traits of a babe” and “become full-grown in powers of understanding”?
Conclusively, you need to know that you ready for the episode called marriage before you get into it as I don’t want yours to be added to the divorce list.
Just imagine!
Having a teenager in the house is very different from having a five-year-old or even a ten-year-old. The teen years bring their own challenges and problems, but they can also bring joy. Many teenagers are responding to parental training and others are acting otherwise.
Parents need to know that adolescents experience emotional ups and downs in their personal lives and daily life experience. Adolescent boys and girls may want to be more independent, resent limits placed on them by their parents. But, these youths are still quite inexperienced and in need of loving, patient help from their parents.
1. Have honest and open communication
Open communication means that the parent will try hard to be available when the teenager feels the need to talk. If you are a parent, make sure that communication is open at least from your side. Confidential talk was necessary when the children were younger, it is especially vital during the teen years—when youngsters likely spend less time at home and more time with school friends or other companions. If there is no honest confidential talk—no honest and open communication between children and parents—teenagers can become strangers in the house.
At this stage in their life, teenagers will not turn away from their parents if they (parents) have honest and open communication with them. But you need to know that no matter how odd what your teenager confide in you, this must remain in you and not go out of you. When your teenager feels it is a time to speak, it may be your time to keep quiet. Set time aside for relaxation and work around the house. Still, if your youngster wants to talk to you, try to adjust your plans and listen. Otherwise, he may not try again.
Point to note: remember what it was like when you were a teenager, and do not lose your sense of humor! Parents need to enjoy being with their children.
2. What to communicate on
If parents have not already inculcated in their children appreciation for honesty and hard work, they should by all means do so during these teen years. This is particularly true when it comes to sexual matters. Parents should not be embarrassed to discuss sex with their children. Even if you are embarrassed, make the effort to do so, for your young ones will surely learn about the subject from someone else.
What is the most important subject that parents and children should discuss? They can discuss from their relationship with others and morals and good conducts, academics, personal life and anything that you fel is disturbing the teenager. It does not mean that parents must constantly preaching it to their children.
3. DISCIPLINE
Discipline as cold as it can be, is the training that corrects, and it includes communication too. Discipline carries the thought of correction more than of punishment if administered in the proper way, though punishment may come into the picture. Children need discipline when they are younger, and now that they are teenagers, they still need some form of it. When disciplining teenagers, parents need to be balanced. They should avoid being so strict that they irritate their offspring, perhaps even damaging their children’s self-confidence.
4. Respect
As a parent you also need respect the opinion of your teenage ones and make them have a sense of belonging the family and household. Parents respecting their teenage children make them have the feeling of responsibility and confident.
This reconciliation can be is here for those that still want to go on what they have in marriage neither divorce nor is reconciliation easy. Furthermore, simply forgiving the erring spouse is not likely to solve underlying problems in the marriage. Couples often underestimate how much time and effort it takes to rebuild a damaged marriage.
Nevertheless, many have persisted and have a stable marriage to show for it.
Questions to Answer before considering reconciliation or divorce
To make an informed decision, a faithful mate needs to clarify his/her feelings and the options that are open to him/her. Consider the following questions that need answer:
Does he/she want to come back? Has he/she definitely ended the relationship, or is he/she reluctant to do so promptly? Has he/she said that he/she is sorry? If so, is he/she truly mean it, sincerely remorseful about what he/she has done? Does he/she tend to blame me for his/her wrongdoing? Does he/she genuinely regret the hurt he/she has caused? Is he/she merely upset that his/her illicit relationship has been exposed and disrupted?
Ask yourself these about the future too:
Has he/she started rectifying the attitudes and actions that led up to the relationship? Is he/she firmly resolved not to repeat it again in the near future? Does he/she still have a tendency to flirt and to form improper emotional bonds with the opposite sex? Is he/she fully committed to rebuilding the marriage? If so, what is he/she doing about it?
Note that positive answers to these questions may be a basis for believing that marital restoration is possible or not. After answering these question, then its time to see if these other features can come in.
1. Vital communication
This is certainly the case when the innocent mate feels a need to talk about the infidelity with his/her spouse. Without necessarily going into intimate details, they could have an honest and fervent discussion that may bring out the truth about what happened and clear up misconceptions. This may help prevent the couple from drawing further apart as a result of misunderstandings and long-term resentment. Both husband and wife find such discussions painful. An important part of the process of restoring trust is COMMUNICATION.
2. Identify problem area
Another essential step to an effective reconciliation is to try to identify problem areas in the marriage—things that both spouses may need to work on. Zelda West-Meads advises: “When you’ve talked through the pain, when you’ve decided that the affair is definitely over, that you still want your marriage, work out what has gone wrong and renew marriage.” Maybe you were not spending enough time together. Possibly you have not given as much love, tender affection, commendation, and honor as your spouse needed. Reevaluating your goals and values together will do much to bring you closer and will help prevent future unfaithfulness.
Despite his/her sincere efforts, an injured spouse may not find it easy to forgive him/her spouse, much less the other person. It is possible, though, to work progressively toward letting go of resentment and bitterness. “The faithful partner needs to recognize that there comes a time when they have to move on,” advises one reference work. “It’s important not to keep dragging up your partner’s old sins to punish [him] every time there is an argument.”
Many spouses have found that by endeavoring to reduce and eliminate feelings of intense resentment, they have eventually ceased to feel hostility toward the offender. Doing so is a vital step in rebuilding a marriage.
4. Learn to Trust Again
Usually this will involve learning to trust. Rather than insensitively demanding to be trusted, the guilty spouse can help rebuild trust by being completely open and honest about his/her activities. To win back trust, you may initially “give your [spouse] an accurate itinerary of what your exact movements are,” says Zelda West-Meads. “Tell your [spouse] where you are going, when you will be back and make sure that you are where you said you are going to be.” If plans change, keep her informed.
5. Time
In view of the intensity of the pain caused by infidelity, it is not surprising that after many years vivid and painful recollections are still possible. However, as the hurt progressively heals, humility, patience, and endurance on the part of both will help rebuild trust and respect that was ones lost.
“I’ve left,” said the voice on the telephone—likely the most devastating words Pat’s husband had ever said to her. “I just couldn’t believe the betrayal,” she says. “What I’d always feared most—that my husband would leave me for someone else—became an awful reality.”
PAT, a 33-year-old, really wanted to make the marriage work; her husband had assured her that he would never leave her. “We promised to stand by each other, come what may,” Pat recalls. “I was convinced that he meant it. Then. . . he did that. Now I’ve got nothing—not a cat or a goldfish—nothing!”
Hiroshi will never forget the day his mother’s extramarital affair came to light. “I was just 11 years old,” he recalls. “Mom came storming through the house. Dad was right behind her, saying, ‘Just hang on. Let’s talk about this.’ I could sense that something had gone horribly wrong. Dad was shattered. He’s never quite recovered. What’s more, he had no one to confide in. So he turned to me. Imagine it: a man in his 40’s coming to his 11-year-old son for consolation and empathy!”
Whether it is the scandalous affairs that have rocked royalty, politicians, film stars, and religious leaders or the betrayal and tears in our own families, marital unfaithfulness continues to take a tragic toll. The states The New Encyclopædia Britannica states: “Adultery, seems to be as universal and, in some instances, as common as marriage.”
Some researchers estimate that between 50 and 75 percent of people have at some time been unfaithful. Marriage researcher Zelda West-Meads says that although much infidelity goes undetected, “all the evidence points to affairs being on the increase.”
1. An Avalanche of Feelings emotional downturn
Infidelity makes the other partner feel psychologically downtrodden and turn apart.
“A marital breakdown normally produces a huge eruption of emotions,” explains the book How to Survive Divorce, “an eruption which sometimes threatens to obscure your vision. What should you do? How should you react? How do you rise above it all? You may swing from certainty to doubt, from anger to guilt or from trust to suspicion.”
That was Pedro’s experience after he learned about his wife’s unfaithfulness. “When there is infidelity,” he confides, “then a flood of confusing emotions rain down.” The sense of devastation is difficult enough for victims to comprehend—let alone outsiders, who have little grasp of the situation. “No one,” claims Pat, “really understands how I feel. When I think about my husband being with her, I feel a real physical pain, an ache that is impossible to explain to anyone.” She adds: “There are times that I think I’m going crazy. One day I feel so in control; the next day I don’t. One day I miss him; the next day I remember all the scheming and lying and humiliation.”
2. Anger and Anxiety
As your partner has a full knowledge of your infidelity, it brings anger and anxiety. “At times,” admits one victim of infidelity, “the emotion that hits you is raw anger.” It is not just indignation about the wrong done and the injury inflicted. Rather, as one journalist explained, it is “resentment of what could have been, and was spoilt.”
Also common are feelings of low self-worth and feelings of inadequacy. Pedro confides: “You have feelings like these: ‘Am I not attractive enough? Am I in some other way deficient?’ You start to dissect yourself to find the fault.” In her book To Love, Honour and Betray, Zelda West-Meads, of the British National Marriage Guidance Council, confirms: “One of the hardest things to cope with. . . is the decimation of your self-esteem.”
3. Guilt and Depression
Close on the heels of these emotions usually come waves of guilt. One despondent wife says: “I think women suffer a great deal with feelings of guilt. You blame yourself and wonder: ‘What did I do wrong?’”
A betrayed husband reveals another aspect of what he calls roller-coaster emotions. He explains: “Depression becomes a new factor that sets in like bad weather.” When her husband left her, one wife recalls that not a day went by that she was not in tears. “I can clearly remember the first tear-free day some weeks after he left me,” she relates. “It was some months before I had my first tear-free week. Those tear-free days and weeks became milestones that marked my way forward.”
4. Double Treachery
What many do not realize is that often the adulterer has dealt a bitter double blow to his spouse. In what way? Pat gives us a clue: “It was hard for me. He was not only my husband but also my friend—my best friend—for many years.” Yes, in most cases a wife turns to her husband for support when problems arise. Now, not only has he become the cause of very traumatic problems but he has also stopped being a much-needed source of help. In one fell swoop, he has caused severe pain and robbed his wife of her trusted confidant.
As a result, the profound sense of betrayal and shattered trust is one of the most overwhelming feelings experienced by innocent mates. One marriage counselor explains why marital betrayal can be so emotionally crippling: “We invest so much of ourselves, our hopes, dreams and expectations, in marriage. . ., searching for someone we can really put our faith in, someone we feel we can always rely on. If that trust is suddenly taken away, it can be like a house of cards blown over in the wind.”
Quite clearly, as noted in the book How to Survive Divorce, victims “need help in sorting out the emotional upheaval. . . They may need help in working out what choices they can make and how to make them.” But what are those choices?
Whether or not to divorce an unfaithful mate is a personal decision. Yet, how can you know what to do? This will be discussed in my next post. So watch out.
Just ask yourself: How do I know if my partner is cheat on me? You don’t need to be a private eye to see these warning signs. Which are as follows:
1. Revived Interest in Appearance: If your partner suddenly undergoes a makeover of sorts, in which he spends much more time on his appearance, it could mean that he is trying to impress someone new. If he just all of a sudden ditches his old khakis and sweats for something more stylish, it might be because he is trying to look his best for a new woman. The same goes for the women folks too.
3. Mysterious Texts or Phone Calls: If you notice mysterious texts or phone calls on your phone bill, or if your husband/wife tries to hide the phone bill or his/her cell phone from you, it might mean that there is a new love interest in the rafters. Additionally, if he/she spends more time on the computer, or tries to hide the screen he was looking at when you walk in the room, this is a good indicator that he might be philandering via the worldwide web.
Of course, the best way to discover what your partner is up to behind your back is to communicate openly and honestly with him/her. Share your fears regarding his/her fidelity and try to discuss the matter before you go crazy with worry.
Remember, things are not always as they seem!
Source articles: Dr. Laura Berman
Hi readers,
Today I got to teach you about the 12 signs of a good woman. Of course you already know having the best woman will make life easy for you so we will be reading from on of my contributors named Bobby Bonslater have, so learn how to use it. Let’s get started, ok?
1. She is family oriented: She has a close relationship with her family and avoids bad worldly external elements that may taint its sanctity and purity.
2. Compassionate and gentle: Avoids yelling and hurtful confrontational words that can later cause long term damage and resentment.
3. She has a big heart: Thinks about others and knows how to talk to them and treat them.
10. Can enjoy and appreciate the simple things: a good woman should be able to enjoy the simplest things in life. Sitting down together and talking over some tea or wine. If she is not able to enjoy the bare minimum, it’s time to look for somebody new. A good woman appreciates what she has been given. It’s the simplest things in life that count.
Go to his website LuckyLink.com where you can find free dating tips and interesting blogs and helpful articles on dating.
Article source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Bobby_Bonslater
“DID you have a nice day?” Susan asks her son Jimmy when he clambers into the car as she picks him up from school.
Frowning, he ignores her.
“Oh, you must have had a bad day,” she states sympathetically. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Leave me alone,” he grumbles in reply.
“I’m just worried about you. You seem so unhappy. I want to help.”
“I don’t want your help!” he screams. “Leave me alone! I hate you. I wish I was dead!”
“Jimmy!” Susan gasps, “don’t talk to me like that or—or I’ll spank you! I was only trying to be nice. I don’t understand what’s the matter with you. Nothing I say or do pleases you.”
Flustered and frazzled from her own day’s work, Susan weaves through traffic wondering how she ever managed to acquire such a child. She feels confused, helpless, and angry, as well as resentful toward her own son, and feelings of guilt hammer at her. Susan dreads taking him home—her own child. She almost doesn’t want to know what happened today at school. No doubt the teacher would call again. Sometimes Susan just could not cope.
Thus seemingly simple incidents erupt into powerful emotional ordeals fraught with anxiety. Children who are ADD/ADHD, or are otherwise labeled “difficult,” characteristically react quite vehemently when confronted with problems. They tend quickly to reach an explosive state, leaving parents angry, bewildered, and ultimately spent.
Following are some principles and ideas that parents of such children have found successful.
1. Evaluation and Intervention
It is necessary to learn to recognize the situations and the stimuli that upset the child. It is essential for the parent to observe the signals in the child that precede emotional confrontations and to intervene promptly. A key indicator is the facial expression that reflects a rising frustration level and an inability to handle a given situation. Issuing kind verbal reminders that the child needs to control himself or, if necessary, removing him from the situation may help. Time-outs, for example, are effective, not so much as a form of punishment but as a way to give both the child and the parent a chance to regain calm and then to proceed rationally.
In the illustration given, Jimmy overreacted to simple questions. This is typical everyday behavior for Jimmy. Although it is easy for a parent to take this anger and resentment personally, it is essential to realize that these children often lose comprehension (reasoning) once they have reached their stress-tolerance level. Therefore, it is important to act with insight. In Jimmy’s case, Susan could defuse the situation by backing off and giving her boy time to control himself, and perhaps later they could discuss the day’s events.
2. Reduce the Friction
First, in order to have happier, healthier children, it is important to provide an environment of order and stability. An effective plan for reducing friction in the home might begin with a simplified life-style. Since these children are impulsive, distractible, and overactive, it is necessary to reduce the negative effect of over stimulation. Cut down on the amount of toys that such children are allowed to play with at one time. Attempt only one chore or project at a time until it is completed. Since these children are often disorganized themselves, organization minimizes frustration. The fewer and the more accessible the items that they have to keep up with, the easier it is to manage what is important.
Another effective way of reducing stress in the home is to implement a structured, not rigid, routine, providing children with a sense of stability. The time schedule is not as crucial as the sequence, the order in which events occur. This might be achieved by applying practical suggestions such as the following. Provide proper nutrition with simple well-balanced meals and snacks at regular times. Make bedtime rituals warm, loving, and relaxing. Shopping trips can over stimulate highly active children, so plan ahead and try not to go to too many stores. And when on an outing, explain what kind of behavior you expect. Definite routines help the child with special needs to control his own impulsive behavior. Furthermore, it helps to establish parental predictability.
Along with a sense of structure, it is beneficial to formulate a system of rules and to include the consequences for breaking nonnegotiable rules. Defined rules that are consistent, as well as agreeable to both mates, set the perimeters of acceptable behavior for children—and also teach accountability. Post a list of rules in a prominent place, if needed (for the parent to remember, as well as the child). Consistency is the key to emotional security.
Understanding a child’s preferences, his likes and dislikes and adapting to them can do much to alleviate unnecessary pressure in the home. Because the special nature of these children is often erratic and impulsive, their interacting with other children can be a very difficult experience. Sharing, especially toys, might be a particular point of conflict, so parents might allow such children to choose favorite items that can be shared. Further, regulating their level of stimulation by providing them with a small group of playmates and creating activities that will not overexcite may also help to control their low sensory threshold.
It is important for parents to allow each child to grow in his or her own way and to avoid compressing or molding the child to unnecessary conformity. If a child detests a certain food or article of clothing, eliminate it. These little thorns of irritation are simply not worth the conflict. In effect, don’t attempt to control everything. Be balanced, but when decisions are made as to what is acceptable to a Christian family, stick to them.
3. Behavior Management
Unpredictable children tend to require a higher degree of management. As a result, many parents are plagued with guilt if they have to discipline frequently. It is important to discern, however, the distinction between discipline and abuse. According to the book A Fine Line—When Discipline Becomes Child Abuse, reportedly 21 percent of all physical abuse occurs when children exhibit aggressive behavior. Hence, research concludes that children who are ADD/ADHD are at “greater risk of physical abuse and neglect.”
Undeniably, raising youngsters who have special needs can be stressful, but their management must be healthy and balanced. Since these children are usually highly intelligent and very creative, they pose a challenge to parents handling situations that require reasoning. Such children often have a way of pointing up the flaws in a parent’s most brilliant logic. Don’t let them! Retain the authority as the parent.
In a friendly way, but firmly, make explanations brief; in other words, don’t over explain, and do not negotiate nonnegotiable rules. Let your “yes” mean yes and your “no” mean no. Children are not diplomats; consequently, negotiations with them lead to arguments, anger, and frustration and can even escalate into screaming and violence. Similarly, avoid too much warning. If discipline is called for, it should be given promptly. The book Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World urges: “Calm, confident, and firm—that’s what authority is all about.” Further, note the excellent suggestions in The German Tribune: “Always talk to the child in such a way as to hold its attention: use its name often, keep eye-to-eye contact and use simple language.”
Abuse occurs when parents lose control. If a parent is screaming, he or she has already lost control.
4. Commendation, Not Condemnation
Because hard-to-raise children do things that are creative, strange, even maniacal, it’s easy for the parents to give in to faultfinding, ridiculing, berating, and striking out in anger.
Proper discipline creates an environment of trust, warmth, and stability; therefore, when discipline is necessary, it should be administered with explanations. There are no instant solutions when training children, since children learn gradually, over time. It takes a lot of caring and loving, a lot of time and work, to raise properly any child, especially a difficult-to-raise child. The following saying may be helpful to remember: “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you say you will do.”
One of the most frustrating aspects of the problem of dealing with children who have worrisome behavior is their inordinate craving for attention. Too often the attention that they receive is negative rather than positive.
However, be quick to notice, commend, or reward good behavior or a job well done. This is very encouraging to a child. At first your efforts might seem exaggerated, but they are well worth the results. Children need small but immediate rewards.
Imagine! – “Stress”
Stress and Your Immune System
Current research shows that stress can suppress your immune system, perhaps opening the door to a number of infectious diseases. “Stress doesn’t make you sick,” says virologist Ronald Glaser. “But it does increase your risk of being sick because of what it does to your immune system.”
There is particularly compelling evidence linking stress to colds, the flu, and herpes. Although we are continually exposed to such viruses, our immune system normally fights them off. But some experts say that when a person is under emotional distress, these defenses can fail.
The biological mechanisms involved are not yet fully understood, but some theorize that the hormones that gear you up for action when you are under stress can hamper your immune functioning as they surge through the bloodstream. Usually, this is not a cause for concern, since these hormones are only on a temporary mission.
Nevertheless, some say that if a person faces stress that is ongoing and intense, his immune system may be compromised to the extent that he becomes susceptible to illness.
This might help to explain why Canadian doctors estimate that some 50 to 70 percent of the office visits they handle are stress-related, typically involving headaches, insomnia, fatigue, and gastrointestinal problems. In the
YOU may realize that stress is now epidemic and that it can dispose you to serious illness. But what can you do about it?
One of the most important steps is to identify the cause or source of your stress. Volume 1 of “Understanding Human Behavior” explains why this is so vital: “Remember that stress exists when a physical or psychological problem is keeping mind and body on constant if not necessarily high-level alert. In many cases the physical and psychological problems need only to be identified for them to be removed [and] the stress will inevitably disappear.”
The point is, if you can isolate clearly in your mind what is putting you under stress, your response to it will likely be less severe even if the cause cannot be avoided.
Let us, focus on some 6 ways to certainly help you to cope with stress that you might face.
1. Try to adapt
Some persons strive to get away from much of what produces stress. For instance, they may change where they live or work so as to get away from tension-producing conditions, such as working where it is noisy or smelly, or living in a crowded, dirty city.
That may help, but such drastic measures are not always needed to reduce stress. For example, to reduce the stress of commuting on crowded buses or highways, some leave earlier or later. They profitably use the waiting time to read, study or write letters. But, more importantly, by adapting in this way they gain confidence that they are in control of their lives, which experts say is a key to coping with stress.
Adaptation can help parents. Some parents seem to careen from one crisis to another. What may be needed to decrease the stress from this source is for them to establish firm, consistent guidelines for the children. Millions who have applied that this advice have benefited by facing less stress.
As another illustration, what could you do to adapt if noise is adding to your stress? At home, shutting the windows, putting up drapes to absorb sound or closing the door to a room where a radio or television is being used may help. Similar steps might be possible on the job, or you could consider using small ear protectors to reduce noise-produced tension. Similarly, keeping your living or working area neat and clean may cut down on stress by making your surroundings more pleasant for you.
Likely any adaptations of this sort that you make will not totally eliminate potentially harmful stress. But even if it just reduces the stress, your life will be healthier and happier.
2. Talk out stress
Don’t keep all your worries and stress bottled up inside. You will find much relief in ‘getting it off your chest.’ Discuss it with a sympathetic friend whom you respect and who may be able to help or advise. You naturally don’t want to be, and shouldn’t be, a complainer or whiner about troubles real or imagined. But you do not become that by confiding in a trusted friend.
Beyond just emotional relief, you may get a new view of your problems, benefiting from the practical suggestions of an experienced person. Many have been helped with stress by pouring out their feelings to somebody who hears and listen to their entreating cries of distressed ones.
3. Exercise will help you
Recall that your body often manifests the “fight or flight” response to stress; it is prepared for strenuous effort. Regular physical exercise will help you to use up the extra sugars and fats in your blood caused by stress, thus counteracting the biochemical effects of stress and restoring your body’s healthy balance.
So do you like to exercise, as when swimming, hiking or playing tennis? Then exercise. And if you are under stress but don’t like to exercise, exercise anyway. You’ll feel better, especially if you do some sort of energetic exercise daily, even as you daily feel stress.
The healthful exercise you choose may be the long walk to and from the grocery store, rather than taking the car or a bus. It might be walking up the stairs rather than using the elevator. Or you might ‘burn off stress’ in useful work such as spading a small garden, beating the dust out of the carpet or other useful deeds.
4. Balance work and play
Many persons view work and play as hostile enemies of each other, which view just adds to the stress they may feel.
It helps to appreciate that work is not an evil plague. It is physically and mentally good for you to be active and productive, such as in earning a living and the means to enjoy play.
In “Stress Without Distress,” Dr. Hans Selye comments: “Your most important aim should not be to work [or be occupied] as little as possible. . . . For the full enjoyment of leisure, you have to be tired first, as for the full enjoyment of food the best cook is hunger.”
Even when you are working, take a few moments regularly to “play” by stretching. That can relieve the muscles of your face, neck, shoulders and back, lessening any buildup of stress.
But just as you make time for work, make time for relaxation. Yes, schedule some recreation, perhaps a hobby that will absorb you and divert you from the physical or emotional causes of your stress. Dr. Selye adds: “In most instances, diversion from one activity to another is more relaxing than complete rest.”
5. Get enough sleep
Some persons make a habit of staying up to socialize over a cup of coffee or to watch a TV program, maybe a comedy or a “talk show,” that they say helps them to unwind. Whatever claimed relaxing effect there might be must be weighed against the constant sleep debt that may be built up. A sleep deficiency is itself a stress on the mind and body, and makes one less able to cope with other stress.
Since stress causes physical changes in the body, you can see why it is vital to get enough rest and sleep. Sleep lets your body repair itself, restoring the balanced biochemical state. Well did Shakespeare describe it: “Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care. The death of each day’s life, sore labour’s bath, Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course, Chief nourisher in life’s feast.”
So if you are a victim of stress, try getting more sleep, especially by forming a normal sleep pattern week in and week out.
6. Adjust your viewpoint about life and things in general
In your coping with stress, the most important thing is not where or how you live or work. Nor is it how much exercise or sleep you get. It is how you view life and its problems or stresses.
A three-year study of air-traffic controllers shows a very high incidence of hypertension. But not all suffered ill effects. Dr. Robert M. Rose found that ‘what seemed to increase the incidence of illness was the attitude the men had toward their work.’ Similarly, after decades of research in stress, Dr. Hans Selye wrote: “Rather than relying on drugs or other techniques, I think there’s another, a better way to handle stress, which involves taking a different attitude toward the various events in our lives.”
You need to learn to evaluate your priorities in life. Perhaps you face a situation that will involve stress—a new job, a social function, having another child, taking out a loan for a major purchase. Before deciding what to do or how to respond, ask, ‘Am I willing to accept the stress involved? Is it worth it? Just how important is this to my life?’ Such sane evaluation will help you to realize your limitations and priorities, resulting in your being a happier person.
Conclusively, your learning how and when of stress can affect your ability to cope with it right now.
TIME magazine (December 6, 1982) stated that in Japan weddings are a ‘$17,000,000,000 business,’ amounting to “an astonishing $22,000 per couple.” Yet “Japan’s divorce rate [is at] an all time high; three out of ten couples will break up.”
A couple’s attitude toward and the demands of a wedding can bear directly on their future happiness. Why? According to psychologist Dr. Sally Witte, “studies show that it’s not only stressful to have bad things happen to you, but good things, too.” Mental health experts indicate that getting married brings more stress on you than losing your job. Obviously, when the wedding is mammoth rather than modest, sumptuous instead of simple, the stress you feel will be more severe.
Further, many who get married nowadays focus so much attention-and unrealistic expectations-on the wedding that afterward there is a drastic letdown. A new wife related: “For months, everyone I knew seemed to be excited, not just me. But then the wedding was over in about a second, and when we got home from the reception, I was overcome by sadness.” A young man quoted in the book Getting Married said:
‘The period when you get engaged is supposed to be very glorious and exciting. Then you’re supposed to have a big, fancy wedding. That’s terrific. Then you go on a honeymoon, and that’s super terrific. You’re building up an expectation that something magical and fantastic is going to happen as soon as you get married. Then suddenly there’s that quiet. Suddenly you’re left all by yourself with this woman and she’s left with you.’
All of us would agree that a couple should look forward to their wedding as a happy, special, momentous occasion, for they are taking a major step in their lives. Yet they will contribute to their own happiness if they avoid emphasizing the wedding so much that it overshadows what really is more important, their subsequent life as married mate.
Marriage is Work
We noted that many approach their wedding day expecting that “something magical and fantastic is going to happen as soon as you get married.” People with this unrealistic view are ripe for disillusionment, frustration and unhappiness. The fact is that a happy marriage takes work, far more work than all that went into a wedding, no matter how large it might have been. At a marital therapy session arranged by Professor E. M. Pattison, a young woman named Betty stated: “I had magical fantasies about marriage, only reinforced by living together. But there was no magic in marriage-just a lot of hard work.”
Should help be needed to help to prepare couples for the realities of married life? Yes, I will say. Why?
Because the human who is going to be your mate is going to fall short of some of your expectations. Once the routine of daily life begins, your husband may be impatient, have a bit of a temper, be somewhat lazy or tend to shirk his duties as head of your family. Or, as you live with your wife, the closeness of marriage may reveal her to be somewhat vain, a shade bossy, at times critical or surprisingly interested in possessions.
You may be able to discuss tactfully but honestly areas where each would appreciate seeing closer conformity to God’s advice. Use wisdom and discernment in selecting the time to discuss such matters, not doing it when one mate is clearly irritated or upset. The most good will be accomplished if, during such discussions, you earnestly try to avoid refuting your mate’s viewpoint. Instead, actually listen to and acknowledge your mate’s objection or request.
Occasionally such matters arise rather naturally while husband and wife share in their family activities. The very nature of that setting can be helpful, for it emphasizes that both have a sincere desire to accept counsel as well as a desire to please his or her mate.
Marriage is for real people that take life serious.